Naomi

The opportunity to travel  the world and make vivid life-long memories with a girlfriend would have been desirable but then the liberty of travelling single is also a gift. I didn't have a choice in the matter. I was not meeting the kind of girls that excite and inspire me in Dublin so I felt I had to look for them elsewhere. It seems that such girls are hard for me to find anywhere in the world.

It is not my desire to be single but I can't manufacture a relationship out of nothing. I wear my thoughts quite openly and so it is impossible for me to feign interest. Being single can be challenging; while being personally frustrating it is more annoying to feel society staring at me as if there is something wrong with me. Naturally I stare back as I believe it is society that has the problem. It is a shame to say it but there are a lot of people hiding out in relationships because they think it is better for them to be with anyone than for them to be on their own. Being 'with' someone seems to legitimise you as a person in the world we live in. I have no idea why people would prefer to be a part of something that is clearly not working but often they make every effort to maintain the dysfunction when it would be easier and better to part. This is because being in a dysfunctional relationship is held in higher esteem than being single. It is also true to say that some people prefer being with someone because it distracts them from their own thoughts. Instead of taking time to be alone and work on themselves, they ignore their inner demons and burden the relationship with their self-doubts and insecurities.

On a personal level I get on really well with myself. I would always much prefer to be in my own company than to be in bad company. This is really just indicative of my introspective side but it does amaze me that some people can't stand to be by themselves. For certain, some people could not travel for such a long period on their own due to loneliness. I was concerned that I might disappear into that aloof space that is my head but I needn't have worried. The world is saturated with people so it is never difficult to have a conversation and thankfully I've had plenty of good ones on my trip. The only time I waver is when I arrive into a city and fail to meet cool people in the hostel. This means that I must wander the streets alone observing people drinking coffee, having pints or eating dinner with friends. It is annoying to stay in on a weekend night when others are out partying. I am not quite brave enough to wander into a pub on my own yet - live music or food provide the exception. Of course, I'm blessed to have had many great random nights out with travellers while all these people are in bed on a school-night. Indeed, I have no concept of time anymore  - everyday feels like the weekend. However, such perspective doesn't take away those pangs for quality friends when they arrive. Interestingly I never experience these in the countryside as I never feel that I am missing out on anything. It is more likely that I would rue not being able to share certain places with people I know who would love them.

My trip is operating on many different levels. It is important that I see it through as it is all raw material for something else. I have always been fascinated with reinvention and  the ability to live a multi-faceted existence that would allow me to experience many things. The bionic dude is simply one incarnation. However, deep down I am hoping that I discover either somewhere or someone that truly stops me dead in my tracks. A person or place whose energies allow mine to dissolve and blend in harmoniously. Thus far, the trip has proved unsuccessful on both scores. Then, I met Naomi.

Naomi was hitch-hiking to BC from Toronto where she lives. She was only in the hostel in Banff to use the Wi-Fi when she realised she could stay for free if she worked there in the mornings. Her trip is far more loosely defined than mine but it has its own constraints in terms of the family ties in both BC and Ontario that she wishes to stay close to. Like most people who hit the road solo, her trip is more a journey of self-discovery than anything else.

I delayed departing Banff by a couple of days to spend more time with her. My whole life I have had an inkling of what I am looking for in terms of a girl. It is not that I have a list but I can define the things that excite me. I realise that some people think I am crazy and that relationships are all about compromise, patience, tolerance and a good friendship. I agree but I am good at all of those things and it still hasn't worked for me. I am not seeking perfection, rather I am burdened with a feeling that what I am looking for is out there but I just haven't found it yet. This impulse comes from somewhere so deep that it just can't be rationalised. It is almost like I am looking for someone I have met before. It is this strong sense of familiarity which gives the search greater clarity. My whole life I have seen snatches of her in the shadows and I have smelled her scent in the air long after she has passed. Naomi is the first time I have physically seen and experienced what I am looking for. This is the first time that what has only ever existed in my subconscious has been grounded in the physical. To witness her reveal the different sides of what I have been searching for was mind-blowing. All the things I had previously defined were in evidence.

I spent three great days with Naomi. We basked in that glorious glow of souls connecting on an emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical level. While I fancied her we did not connect on a sexual level. The realisation that I did not represent to her what she did to me was the signal I needed to continue with my trip. In fairness, it is a brave girl who would want to meet the burden of my expectation but I think I am chilled out enough that this is not really an issue. While it is sad to say goodbye to someone who is so full of positivity, it has only made me more resolute. Naomi has not only smashed the bar in terms of all my previous benchmarks but she has raised the bar two-fold.

I parted without her email, her facebook, her last name or even her photo. This was appropriate as  it felt like she descended from my subconscious and now she has returned there. Naomi is now just a memory, something ethereal as opposed to physical. However, she managed to make concrete what was always just an inkling for me. She has fuelled my soul with greater confidence to hold its course and not to respond to the dictum of society. It feels like the search is closing in.

I remain single but I have at last met someone who had the power to stop me dead in my tracks. I would have happily glazed my bike in honey and left it for the bears in the woods so that I could hitch rides with Naomi. However, that inner sense prevailed once more in deciding that we both needed to see out our respective journeys. While I am about to embrace the beautiful alpine meadows, pine forests and rocky mountain-sides of the Great Divide, I very much feel like I am wandering back into the metaphorical desert. It is isolated but there is a point to it, I just haven't fully grasped it yet. While it might seem to some that I am on a great big adventure, for me romance is the real adventure. I hope to meet Naomi again, if not in this life then the next.

So close and yet so far ... life is so great.

Marco

Comments

[Nick]

Hey Giller,

I haven't sent you an invite for Oct 9th as I know you will still be away. In the unlikely event that your plans did change even last minute, make sure and let me know.

Hope all is well with you..
Nick

[LORCAN]

Giller, are you on drugs? DO WE HAVE TO HAVE AN INTERVENTION?!!!!